Stupid things about Apple, post 13: 'Apple + Media = Mutual Masturbation'

Disclaimer: Metaphorically NSFW.

I love Apple, like 'I (heart) Apple' but there's this nasty nasty thing which has been going on since, like forever, and I keep waiting for someone to call them on it, but they never do, so I like thought, 'hey. I'll say something on my blog...which no one reads...' and it's this...

Stupid things about Apple, post 12: 'Brad Stone'

Here's an email I sent to Brad Stone;

"I bet you got a lot of hate mail because you ruined everything for Dan Lyons and all the readers of the fake Steve Jobs blog.

I hope you don't take it too personally, Apple fans can be pretty mean. It can't be easy, I totally understand how rough this might be for you...

Stupid things about Apple, post 11: 'Innovation'

I love Apple, more than you do, or ever will, (and I'd fight you to prove it), but there's a thorn in my side, and it's named innovation, and I can't seem to shake just how stupid it really is.

1. First, you run the risk of failing, because you're breaking new ground and making leaps of faith. Sure these can pay off (iPod) but they can also burn you, (Newton, Cube, turtle necks).

Stupid things about Apple, post 10: 'Apple Rumor Sites'

I love Apple, and everything about it, even the bit where Steve Jobs marries Sir Paul McCartney, wait, wouldn't that make it Lady Steve McCartney. Sweet.

Stupid things about Apple, post 9: 'Reflective Surfaces℠ '

I love Apple, like the sun on my face. Truly, it's love, I can't shake it. Like a gentle breeze on a long warm day...

Stupid things about Apple, post 8: 'Despite your assassination attempt, I LIVE!'

Yes, I have been in hospital, at death's door for months.

But I write these words and shake my fist, and proclaim,

"I love Apple, but the iPhone! WTF?"

Give me a few days to catch up on what you've all been enjoying while I've been eating through a straw and regaining the ability to control my limbs.

; )

Stupid things about Apple, post 7: 'iPods are made using Chinese slaves.'

I love Apple, and I looove the iPod, they're everywhere, in fact I farted yesterday which put me in the draw to win an iPod. OK, so they're a little excessive in capacity (name 1,000 songs, now what are you going to do with the space for the other 9,000?), and since everyone has an iPod (even the PC guy in the Mac/PC ads) technically they can't be cool.

Stupid things about Apple, post 6: 'PC is the true star of the Mac/PC ads.'

I love Apple, but it seams that Apple loves PC more than Mac, and the evidence is so glaringly obvious, that this post will be an insulting reiteration of what you know to be true, (look into your heart).

Here's how it plays out in all the Mac/PC ads...

Stupid things about Apple, post 6: 'Google.'

Check out the new Apple frontpage!

I love Apple, but it's true, Apple is pimping itself out to THE bubble stock, whose whole corporate model is built entirely on intangibles (things that you cannot tangible). Let's build the house on sand!

Apple on the other hand, actually MAKE things and SELL them.

Stupid things about Apple, post 5: 'Rebranding your competition's crap.'

I love Apple, so I know (better than you) that Apple's history of rebranding has been nothing short of disastrous, in fact at it's peak, rebranding almost brought Apple down. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

The history goes like this (I'm working from memory here so bare with me if there are inaccuracies loser);
- LaserWriter (and all other Apple printers) was a rebranded Canon printer, and was one of a number of items which almost dragged Apple to the bottom of the ocean. They don't make those any more.
- QuickTake (an Apple digital camera) was a rebranded Fuji camera, again, a disaster.
- Apple Color OneScanner (an Apple scanner) was a rebranded Canon scanner, the CanoScan. The OneScanner sleeps with the ancestors.