Stupid things about Apple, post 13: 'Apple + Media = Mutual Masturbation'

Disclaimer: Metaphorically NSFW.

I love Apple, like 'I (heart) Apple' but there's this nasty nasty thing which has been going on since, like forever, and I keep waiting for someone to call them on it, but they never do, so I like thought, 'hey. I'll say something on my blog...which no one reads...' and it's this...



1. Every time Apple does something, it calls the media in on what they're doing.
2. In exchange for knowing about releases ahead of time, and getting free stuff, the media pulls off Apple by writing really great things about Apple and what its done this time.
3. Apple then pulls off the journalist by using the journalist's quotes to promote themselves on their own website.
4. This increases the readership for the journalist who pulled off Apple.
5, Double handjob complete.

As I write this, Apple Hot News shows 12 examples of inter-media-vendor pleasuring, its disgusting, here are the offenders today;
- Kim Komando (USA Today) took one in the mouth and said it 'tasted great.'
- Ed Baig (USA Today) bit hard on his pillow while Apple throated his shaft.
- Philip Elmer-DeWitt (Fortune) reached climax in what seemed like a moment.
- Apple says Lynch Smith, president of Freeverse, has a tight mouth.
- Asher Fulero (Remix) rubbed one out of Apple.
- Ryan Faas (computerworld.com) used lotion to get his result.
- Brian Flynn and Dora Drimalas worked both ends of Apple to get what they wanted.
- Neale Monks (macworld.co.uk) tickled Apple's balls with his chin.
- Dimitris Halaris, Iona’s associate vice provost for IT, is Apple's bitch.
- Michelle Quinn (Los Angeles Times) hopes the stains will come out of her skirt.
- Tom Yager (InfoWorld) just had an iFacial.
- Chicago Sun-Times columnist Esther J. Cepeda gave Apple a hummer.

This is a really weak situation, it does nothing for Apple's products or customers, only its sales and profits. So when I read about chronic wireless networking problems in the new version of Mac OS X here or when I read about Apple's green screen of death here or the sea of vulnerabilities and security exploits available thanks to Mac OS X here I don't think anyone will be reading them in Hot News any time soon.

I think we'll be reading about the latest load some journalist sucked out of Apple.